Faith, Not Fear

I woke up this morning feel anxious about Covid-10.  I've really been fine up until today.  I've recognized it as a threat, but I've been off work, we've been home, and I've only gone out in public a couple of times to grocery shop.  Every two weeks has been my rule.  We have been experiencing the doldrums of being home, the kids have hated not being at school, and I've been trying to make the most of the time at home, seeing it as a reprieve from work.

Today, however, felt different.  I read an article online yesterday, and I think that's what set me off.  I shouldn't read the news.  It's all depressing, nothing nice is ever reported, it's always doom and gloom.  This article was talking about how easy it is to transmit the virus, and I'm back at work with people who aren't wearing masks and seem unconcerned for the most part.  They complain about how the mask itches, they suffer from claustrophobia, whatever.  I've been wearing my mask, using lots of hand sanitizer, and trying to stay away from people.

But in waking this morning, I was worried.  What if I get coronavirus and have to be hospitalized? What if I have to be on a ventilator? What is Kent gets coronavirus from me? What is the kids do? How can I isolate myself in our home? Will I spend two weeks in the basement, eating Kent and child prepared foods, trying to keep breathing while staying away from those I love? Will I be able to say goodbye properly if I have to go to the hospital? Will I die alone? Will Kent? Could we lose one of the children? How would I bear the grief? Would Kent ever get up enough gumption to marry again or would he spend the rest of his life alone, dealing with the children, lonely at home, then sitting quietly, reading? Would gay divorcees be after him if I was gone?

It was all too much. It's Mother's Day. I'm suppose to be happy. And grateful. And I am. I really am. Our lives are so good; we are so blessed. I'm not sure how it could be any better. Sure, we're dealing with challenges, life isn't ideal, but that was never part of the plan. The plan was to come to earth, get a body, prove our worthiness through life's temporal-ness, then die. Dying is part of the plan, and it's the part that kills me. How can I be separated from these people that I love so desperately? The potential loss was magnified with my mom and Mikayla and her crew here. I dearly love all those people, big and small, and I can't image not having them as part of my life. I know they will always be part of my eternal life, but that's all in the future. I want them always here.

Always.

But there is no always. We've all got an end date, and I need to remember that great and glorious things lie in store. There is a better world, an eternal existence full of glorious light and eternal reward, and that can come, whatever our earthly trials. I need to continue to live with faith, not fear, as my guiding light.

Faith, not fear.

In our first "At Home" church service, Kent shared some scriptures that I felt were applicable in March (really, when are the scriptures not applicable?), but which didn't resonate with me quite as much as they do now. I found his list yesterday, and they are the reminder I need that God is in charge.

D&C 50:41  Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me.

D&C 35:24-27  Keep all the commandments and covenants by which ye are bound; and I will cause the heavens to shake for your good, and Satan shall tremble and Zion shall rejoice upon the hills and flourish;
And Isreal shall be saved in mine own due time; and by the keys which I have given shall they be led, and no more be confounded at all.
Lift up your hearts and be glad, your redemption draweth nigh.
Fear not, little flock, the kingdom is yours until I come. Behold, I come quickly. Even so. Amen.

1 Nephi 22:17  Wherefore, he will preserve the righteous by his power, even if it so be that the fulness of his wrath must come, and the righteous be preserved, even unto the destruction of their enemies by fire. Wherefore, the righteous need not fear; for thus saith the prophet, they shall be saved, even if it so be as by fire.

"How Firm a Foundation"
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee they deepest distress.