Thoughts on Death

I have been reluctant to blog since my last post.  I have liked to click on my blog and see my dad, holding our wee lad, happy and smiling.  I don't want to believe he is gone.  The past couple of days have been okay, I have certainly cried less, but I feel conflicted about moving on with life.  Although I am grieving, I still have to make dinner, I still need to go to the grocery store, and I still need to do fun things with my kids.  Kent and I took Brandt to the demolition derby on Saturday night (more to come), and while I had a good time, I kept feeling like it was somehow inappropriate to be laughing and yelling at cars smashing into each other when my dad was dead.

I have been thinking a lot about what Dad is doing and how he is feeling.  Does he miss us like we miss him?  Does he wish he was still here, fighting the good fight, or is he so relieved to be done with this mortal part of his journey?  Is he at all unhappy about the decisions we made in the last few hours of his lilfe?  Was he aware that we were all with him at the end, or was he so scared it wasn't really registering with him?  Does he have regrets that he looks back on and wish he could change?  How is time metered in Heaven and will it seem like a long time for him until we are reunited as it will certainly seem for us?

In Alma 40:11-12 it says,

Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection--Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from his mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.  And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.

It sounds wonderful; to be happy and at peace, free from trouble and care and sorrow.  I believe my dad was a good and righteous man, doing his best to follow Jesus Christ, so I think he has returned to the presence of God.  Dad has not been happy the past several months; he has not been engaged or really interacted with us much.  I hope he is joyful where he is and that he looks down on us with peace and contentment at a life well-lived.  I hope he is so busy reconnecting with family and friends who have gone before that he hardly has a moment to miss us.

All my questions won't be answered.  However, I have felt our Father's comforting spirit over the past five days.  I have had my faith and testimony of the saving ordinances performed in the temple strengthened and reaffirmed.  I, and my family, have been blessed and touched by a tremendous outpouring of love from extended family and friends.  And I know that I will see my dad again.  I love him and I know he loves me.